it took me sometime to digest things why i allowed Mark, cousin of my ex-boyfriend to be a part of my so-called earth life. but i just did allowed him to be a part of this worldly happiness for more than a month now. indeed, i am in this very complicated situation - but we decided to continue. for all i know i wanted a long-term commitment with him, and he has been vocal that we mutually desire such - but in the right moment will he be ready to talk about me to his family. but i was glad that there have already been talks about me and that some of the important people in his life agreed with the possibility of me becoming part of his life. he said, he is just waiting for the time that he will be stable so we can consummate this partnership. i hope so.

i am happy...and until such time...i don't know what awaits me in the future...

i am leaving this to Father God Almighty, in Jesus name.

Amen.

here we go again...

the good friday was a supercalifragilisticexpecalidocious experience in my entire 26 years of existence. this man, who is an epitomy of the "body of lies" invited me to walk with him in an "alay lakad" going to the Mother Dolorosa shrine in antipolo, also known as the "white cross." The walk took about 2 hours, and i had some "paltos" in my feet, evidence that it was a kind of difficult walk. When we reached the "holy ground," we rested for a while, and had a little chat.

10:00am Having been situated in the so-called "holy ground" i am hopeful that he is telling me tales of truth. he said that he has been "10 years" in service, and seldom goes home to his family due to the nature of his work. "to be discreet is a call of his profession" according to him, since he is soliciting confidential data for the government. he penetrates the lowliest and highest institution of the country just to get the information that his boss asked him to. and he uttered "its so damn difficult, my situation, right?" but i told him, "not really, its the call of your work, to be someone you are not, to be able to get the information you need. it may be unethical in the professional sense, but its part of your responsibility - and i do understand it." maybe, he was trying to solicit information from me as well, if he is accepted or what, i really don't know. judging by his background, i am also confused about his motives. after a while, we went to the another pool of people having the way of the cross, and we also went there, until the end where we entered the small cave and had a glimpse of real-life images of people when christ died and Jesus lying there. Up until the white cross that symbolizes the resurrection of Jesus (with image of Him also there). After a while, the experience for me was really a sigh of relief, i felt lighter and i found myself communicating with God, thanking Him of the instrument to have me brought to that place - even in the form of someone who is so full of lies in his life (because of his job).

pero hindi naging madali ang buhay para sa kanya. ang pakikipagtunggali sa laro ng buhay, ng karera, ng relasyon ay isang malaking hamon para kay existen...

i am not an expert when it comes to matters of men but i have my fair share of insights about them...watch out!

"handa na akong mamatay ngayon, tutal nagawa ko na ang lahat ng gusto kong gawin sa buhay...bagamat may kulang pa, tanggap ko ang realidad na hindi sapat ang buong buhay ng tao upang gawin ang lahat, " iyon ang namutawi kay existen habang tinatahak ang daan ng kanto silangan ng bayan ng direccion

mabigat na pasimula, masyadong seryoso, masyadong mabigat. pero di ba ganun naman talaga ang buhay - mabigat, seryoso; nasa tao na lang kung paano niya titingnan at dadalhin ito. pwedeng itrato bilang leather bag na mabigat at punong puno ng gamit - buong buhay dala - ang kasalukuyan, nakaraan. pero maari naman maging isang shoulder bag lang ito - kung saan mga importanteng kagamitan lang. pwede rin naman na transparent plastic bag - magaan pero lantad ang buong pagkatao.

sabi nila makikita daw ang personalidad ng isang tao sa laman ng kanyang bag. bakit naman? sino naman kayang pilosopo ang nagimbento nito, si kris aquino? pero hindi naman siya pilosopo, at tsaka bakit naman maniniwala sa isang tulad niya. pero ito ang laman ng bag ni existen - lipstick na revlon, regalo daw ng tiyahin niya - dahil hindi niya afford bumili nito; isang bolpen na locknock na pilot, isang maliit na notebook, tissue pack, pressed powder, body shop lip gloss, coin purse, isang parisukat na wallet at ilang resibo. may nabasa ka ba sa personalidad niya? wala naman di ba. malabo talagang alamin ang kanyang katauhan.

paminsan ligalig. laging puno ng enerhiya para wala namang direksyon. pero masaya siya sa katayuang ito. bagamat patuloy ang paghahanap ng kahulugan sa buhay, ngunit patuloy rin namang nakikibaka sa hamon buhay.

maraming pangarap pero salat sa pangangailangan upang matugunan ang pangarap.

kung iisipin nga sadyang wala na rin siyang mahihiling pa sa buhay. nagawa na niya ang halos gusto niyang gawin - maliban na lang sa pagbiyahe sa europa at ibang bahagi ng asya; naabot na niya ang pangarap na mapabilang sa kinapipitagang istasyon ng telebisyon. nagawa na niyang magkaroon ng isang relasyon na maiksi lamang ngunit may napakatatamis na alaala. pero sadyang mapagbiro ang buhay. hindi nito ipapadama sa iyo ang lahat upang magkaroon pa ng espayong nakalaan upang magpatuloy kang maghangad ng mga bagay-bagay.